On this eve's of Vesak day, I would like to share my experience with depression. I would try my best to recall what have really happened at that point in time, so that people understand what depression is about and how do we recover from it and most importantly, we prevent depression.
Depression is more than feeling down or being sad. Depression may affect your work, interest in activities and quality of life. It is not a sign of weakness and it does not just 'go away'. Depression is a medical condition that affects hwo you think, behave and the way you feel and function. It is one of the most common mental health problems and is faced by 121 million people worldwide. Depression can happen to anyone.
When I did my research about depression, I was shocked to find out that 1 out of 10 people suffered from depression in Singapore. In Singapore, an estimate 5.6% of the population are affected by depression during their lifetime. 5.6% x 5 million people = 280, 000 Women have relatively higher rate of occurrence of depression than men. The sex ratio is 2 : 1. In females, depression is more common in the married than single woman. Woman with 3 or more children below age of 14 are more at risk. In males, the unemployed, divorced are more likely to be depressed.
Challenging life events can increase the risk of depression especially when we find it difficult to cope with them. Some of the life stressors that can increase the risk of depression may include: - Relationship problems - Financial difficulties - Physcial illnesses - Unemployment - Lack of Support - Loss of loved one
For my case, I had depression is due to my own ignorance. I attended AsiaWorks Personal Development Course. After the course, I was confused and lost. My boyfriend who I known for 2 years, brought me to the Mental Hospital for consultation. I was fearful and helpless because I saw people suffered inside. One auntie was screaming and shouting. Another auntie was being tied up by the nurse. I was shouted at an impatient nurse. I shouted back at her because I feel that I do not deserved such treatment. I wanted to leave the Mental Hospital, but the regulation of the hospital doesn't allow until I have see the psychiatrist. Thankfully, I behaved myself and my family helped me to talked to the psychiatrist. They finally allow me to leave the hospital.
Even I left the hospital, my thoughts just got hay wired. Fear, confusion, guilt, hatred, anger arosed. I consistently thinking about those useless thoughts, lack of energy, I unabled to make a even simple decision. Full of doubts and judgements, I couldn't utter a word. I felt I was mentally paralysed. My family and friends were very worried. Then a well known psychiatrist gave me a jab, let me slept deeply and gave me medication. It is called antidepressants. They help to regulate mood and can only prescribed by a doctor. I took the mediation for half a year. I felt better at least I didn't think that much. However, it slows down my thinking process. I unable to think as fast as before.
During my depression, I did experience some of the sympytoms indicate here. - Persistent sadness or emptiness - Loss of interest in all or almost all activities - Decrease or increase in appetite drastically - Difficult in sleeping or sleeping excessively - Restlessness or feeling agitated - Fatigue and lacking in energy - Difficulty concentrating or having trouble thinking and making decisions - Frequent thoughts of death or suicide - Doubts about onself worthiness
I became addicted to my bed and slept alot. Now, I think back, I believe it is a way to protect myself from these painful experiences. I do not want to face it and I was not prepare to face it. I lost my appetite and lack of energy. I was lifeless.
I attended Dharma Teacher, Shen Shi An's courses. I remembered my first class, he shared with me was life is suffering. Yes, I felt the suffering part indeed. Teacher Shi An also shared with me about Nian Fo to be mindful of the Buddha. Despite, I was truly sufferring during that time, I Nian Fo diligently daily. For about 3 months, I really see results of my own mental health. I feel more calm and peaceful.
Thankfully, I decided to pickup myself up again. Since I wake up as early as 5am in the morning, I make sure I do something beneficial for my body. I started to go to the park. The beginning was like a torture to me, dragging myself to the park. However, my body started to get use to the fresh air and looking at the greenery makes myself happier and lighter.
I did tear in front of Guan Yin Bodhisattva's birthday before. Because I just felt the moment of helpless feeling again. I told Bodhisattva：“我真的没有办法了。。。我真的没有办法了。。。”And I cry and cry. Amazingly after crying, I felt so much better and relieve.
After that somehow I see some light. I know that since I can't make any decisions, in order to help myself and gain clarity, I started to write the things that I want to do or at least I know I can do. I accomplished small things at the pace that I feel comfortable with. Slowly day by day, I feel that I am getting healthier, more energetic and positive towards life. Most importantly, getting confident with myself again.
I really thank the Buddha, Bodhisattvas, Dharma teachers who have been helping me along these tough times. I remembered these words very strongly.
Buddha words: How well have you live and how well have you forgive and how well have you let go. Strive on with diligence.
Guan Yin Bodhisattva's words: As long as you continue to strive on with what you wanted to do, you can achieve what you want.
Ajahn Brahm's words: Failures are learning experiences and they are the juiciest part of life and that is how we learn and grow.
Shen Shi An's words: To be angry is to let others' mistakes punish us. It becomes your mistake, that you cling to for no good reason. What have you learn?
Thank you, my spiritual teachers! I really appreciate their kind words and teaching. I have release the feeling of anger, upset, hatred, guilt, disappointment, fear. I am thankful that I am well and fully recovered. May my parents and friends be free from mental and physcial suffering. May the patients of the Mental Health Hospital be free from mental suffering. Happy Vesek Day. Amituofo.
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