1. How was death talked about and treated in your family? Did it frighten you?
We hardly talk about death in my family, it seems like no one likes or wants to discuss about it.
2. What did you feel about death as a child? How were family funerals and memorial services held? When did you go to your first funeral? What did you think about it, and how did you react?
The first time I feel about death was when my grandma passed away when I was secondary school. I couldn’t remember which year as it was pretty traumatic for me as I was quite close with my grandma. I used to stay with my grandma, especially school holidays. I remembered there was once I fainted at the shophouse, opposite my grandma house, when I was buying food. During that time, my grandma couldn’t walk well already and yet she had all her strength to run down all the way to save me. I was very touched.
My grandma escaped a few deaths, especially nearer to the last few years of her life. When my grandma passed away at her age of 81. We had a Buddhist funeral for her. I didn’t cry during her funeral as I could still see her body. Some relatives wonder why I didn't cry during the wake, not that I didn't want to but I just couldn't. The deepest memory I had with my grandma, was when her coffin entered the cremation chamber with the strong fire around it. I broke down and weep, I couldn’t accept that she has truly left us. She was the pillar of the entire family. Sometimes I do dream about her.
Our family cat, Fifi, somehow, he knew my grandma was gone, he couldn’t eat and went missing and get into cat fight in the neighbourhood. When we found him, he drowns in the drain already, he was gone after my grandma passed away. This was how deep his relationship with my grandma.
3. Have you ever been responsible for anyone’s death? How did you feel about it then and now? Have you been closely involved with anyone’s death? How have your grieved? How do you feel about it – guilty, resentful, angry, or peaceful? Were some deaths welcomed? What was the most significant death you experienced? How did it change your life?
Before I was born, I had an unborn brother, he couldn’t survive in my mother’s womb. My parents wanted a boy. They were devastated and sad they couldn’t have him. My parents felt that I was responsible, I feel sorry for him but it wasn’t my fault that he couldn’t make it. There was a lot of guilt, shame in it. I slowly accepted this truth. I know that I couldn’t change this fact. But I can choose to respond from this unfortunate event. I release myself from this emotional baggage for 43 years. I had enough of it. I want to be true to myself and I choose to release this pain and sadness.
4. How have your ideas about death evolved? What kind of death would you like to have? Is death a friend for you, or is it to be fought, dreaded, or accepted? 5. If you could talk with someone who has died, what would you say or ask?
Death makes me realised time is precious. Especially, I watched a Korean Drama called, “About Time”. It is about the lady who has the ability to see other people’s life spans and knows that her own time is limited. In reality, we really don’t know how long we can live. The most suffering to live is to live with regrets.
Moment to moment is different in each day. One day, live with joy and gratitude is one day earned. My philosophy about life is embrace each day as if it was my last day. If I could talk with someone who has died, I would say, “The precious life was yesterday, the next best life is today, so detach yourself for the past experiences and move on to a better life.”
Here lies Rachel Won
She was a kind, friendly, warm person.
She loved doodling, arts and photography.
Her advice to you is make the best out of your life with what you have and live life to the fullest. You are enough.
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