Bursting out of my cocoon

As dawn rises, a beautiful butterfly could hear bustling noises from the street and chipping of the birds from the trees. It was happily fluttering its wings around the garden. Before the butterfly can enjoy its freedom, it needs to go through a metamorphosis. During its life cycle, a butterfly undergoes several changes in body form and appearance. The four stages of this metamorphosis are: egg, caterpillar, pupa, and butterfly. In the 3rd stage, the caterpillar needs to spin itself into a soft and silky cocoon to protect its pupa. Pupation may last weeks, months or even years. Make a guess what will it do before it transforms? Before I provide you with the answer, let me share my story with you. I was an introvert since young. During my childhood days, I have developed a mindset that is; “Talk less, listen more”. Being an introvert, I listen more than I speak. I was timid and scared to speak up. There were times because of my character, I was misunderstood and for the worse, I was blamed for things that I never done. I realised that it is time for me to be heard.

An opportunity came along. I saw Singapore Polytechnic’s eFlyer introducing Toastmasters. Out of curiosity, I attended one of the introductory workshops. The proficient speakers were not only speaking effectively but also inspiring people around them. The charisma within them got me interested to find out more. Deep in my heart, I knew that this is the skill I want to learn.

There is an old saying; “The FIRST step is always the toughest.” I stumbled when I made my first maiden speech in the basic manual project. My hands were shaking and my voice was cracking. I heard voices, felt my fears and was perspiring as I spoke. The inner struggle within me was a big challenge for me. However, each time I fall, I pick myself up and try again. I kept telling myself that as long as I do not give up, I am sure even the most incompetent speaker like me will be able to master the speaking skills one day. The word “Failure” never crossed my mind. I just knew that I have not mastered the skill yet. Whenever I make mistakes, I will change as I learned; it gave me motivation and confidence to speak up more.

After a few years in Toastmasters, I have slowly walked out of my own cocoon, built my self-confidence and spoke with conviction. Toastmasters has made me understood the importance of people connections besides learning how to speak and listen effectively. By taking up different EXCO roles, it allows me to learn leadership and interpersonal skills as well. I was required to interact with a lot of people, getting contacts from them, arrange meetings etc to ensure the meetings were carried out smoothly each time. All these tasks are the learning blocks for me to understand and develop my skills. I kept in mind that struggling is an essential part of my growth experience. In fact, it is the struggle that causes me to develop my ability to communicate better.

I strived to apply what I learnt in Toastmasters in each day of my life. I have changed my negative thoughts into positive ones by changing “Why me?” into “How to do it” mindset. It makes me happier as a person. I am not only able to communicate and connect with my family and friends better these days but also I have widened my circle of friends now.

Here is the answer to my earlier question. Before the caterpillar could transform into a butterfly, it is supposed to STRUGGLE. The pupa’s struggle helps the butterfly to push its way through the tiny opening of the cocoon which in turn pushes the fluid out of its body and into its wings. Without the struggle, the butterfly would never be able to break free from the cocoon it has created and fly into freedom.

I have seen myself just like a caterpillar undergoing a metamorphosis over a period of time. Some people need weeks, months or even years to be transformed. It does not matter how long one person would need to transform as long as that person allows himself to break through the struggle. That person will be able to fly like the butterfly that he wish to be. Toastmasters journey is a learning ground equipping me with a pair of stronger wings…

Rachel Won
Club President of SPTMC 2009/10
Written in April 2010

Day 290: 42km Run

Before 42km I haven't been exercising on my own for a few months. My body is showing signs that if I continue to ignore the symptoms, I will get bigger health issues in future...

Excuses
Too busy
Too early to wake up
Too late to wake up
Not the right timing
Body is feeling tired
Plain laziness

Motivation
Self love and self care


Sometimes I just need 1 good reason to get myself out of my house.
#42km #MoonlightRun #TranscendMyself
After
Yay! I completed 42km in 9 runs. Thanks Lay Eng for encouraging me to sign up for Moonlight blessings run in Dec 2021.

As I want to push my own boundaries, I set 42km as my target. It is my own commitment, instill my own self discipline and give myself some self care and me time.

I almost thought that I was unable to complete this run at all, but lay eng told me it is possible to complete it as there were 14 days more to go. Thanks for the encouragement and give me some assurance that it can be done.

It was challenging in the beginning, my mind keeps telling me there is no time for me to complete it. However, my mind stopped sabotaging me when I met my 21km mark...

Note to self: Choose to believe my end goal and I will get it done eventually.
#42Run #FunExercise #MoonlightBlessingsRun2021 #1HourCommitment

Day 289: KMovie: 200 Pound Beauty

Rewatch 200 pound beauty, as I have forgotten the plot totally. I love the back and forth of comedic and serious moments in this movie. They’re well managed and sprinkled at the perfect moments.

Hanna is a great example that we continue to live in a judgmental society. Unfortunately, money still matters. People rather see a no talent pretty girl in a skimpy outfit walking around a stage because that’s what sells, not an overweight girl with natural singing talent.

This movie is a good reminder to stay true to ourselves. Feeling like she exhausted all options, Hanna changed herself to be more accepted by society, but only to lose her own identity. She felt like she was living a deceitful life, fooling others to think she is the perfect girl. It goes to show we should stop trying to impress others when we should be loving ourselves.

Even if we’re in an advantageous position, don’t bully others or bring them down even more. We never know what other people are going through. Be kind.

It also reminded me that self love is important, when we know who we are, there's no fear and all the resources that we need are within our reach. #200PoundBeauty

Day 288: Money Plant

I don't really have green fingers, even though I love Nature. In the past, my plants just died after few months.

I am grateful my money plant is growing very well. Just by looking it grows from inches to inches brings me a lot of joy 🙂

Thanks Evelyn for giving me this pot of money plant, always rooting for me.

I googled the meaning of money plant. It says the leaves of money plant are heart-shaped, it brings in love, good luck, happiness, wealth and prosperity in the family. It also helps mend broken relationships and improves the relationship between the family members of the house. I am unsure how true is it but I do feel my relationship with myself and family have improved and my money plant grows up very well.
#MoneyPlant

Day 287: What is cost of Inner Peace?

What's the cost for your inner peace?

I would say it is priceless. However, we can never quantify it until somone triggers one of our negative emotions.

Stay calm, chill and compose as long as you cultivate. #HandlingTriggers #StateOfMind

Day 286: Try my best

As a freelance designer and an entrepreneur, I need to look out for businesses and giving value constantly.

Today one of my clients told me that most vendors just want her business but they don't do things properly. Only I am willing to follow through and make sure I deliver my work. lol 😃 Her words are so enlightening and I can feel her appreciation. It is priceless.

I treat each project like my own. I listen with empathy and understanding... It's fulfilling to see how my work is showing on website and on prints 🙂 All my hard work and heart work are rewarded.
#RWDC #WorkInProgress

Day 285: Life Shifting

I am seriously don't have time to fb now. Meaningful busyness is good for me since Oct 21.

Things shifted pretty quickly. More energy, new opportunities. I am currently working with different teams. It gives me different perspectives and insights.

Focus on people who can see your value. This statement is so true. I spent lesser effort, double the rewards.

We are born differently, there are so much learning. Nothing to waste.
#Grateful #WorkInProgress

Day 284: Creative Composition

I just attended the art of visual photography.

Thanks Oh Wei Siang, for his time and sharing his thoughts behind each photos that he took.

Photography Composition
- Leading lines
- Symmetrical
- Framing
- Shapes and textures
- Colours
- Rule of 3rd
- Shadows
- Props

His works are really beautiful and inspirational. What I took away from the session is to be truly living in the moment and look out for details. Then we will live and not just merely surviving.
#CreativeComposition

Day 283: Great Eastern 10km Run

Few years back, I ran 10km within one run.

Currently, I am glad to complete 10km in 4 rounds of running and walking. The key is consistency. Look forward to my 21km run in Nov 2021. #funexercise #ImprovesFlexibility

Day 282: Why We Fear And Hold Back From What We Want

Lovely message on how to turn fear into courage.

Sometimes we just allow fear to get into our way, we wonder why are we feeling so stuck, unhappy with our lives. A little shift in our thoughts, shifts the entire perspective.

Day 281: Improves Mobility and Flexibility

Recently I "injured" my arm, I can't lift up my arm. My chiroprator told me it could be due to diabetes and I had bad habit of sitting on my seat for long hours without moving much.

I realise how blissful when we are able to move around freely. I scared of the arm pain but the more I am afraid, the higher chances I will get frozen shoulder, which will lead to bigger issues. My learning for today is don't be afraid of the pain, face it courageously, eventually the pain will be gone. #FunExercise #ImprovesFlexibility

Day 280: GAB 9 Goals and Aspirations Reflection

1. When you were a child, whom did you want to be like, or what kind of person did you want to become when you grew up?
When I was a child, I wanted to be a teacher. As I felt that teachers have the ability to inspire, motivate and guide students.

2. Who were your role models -family members, movie actors or actresses or some other well-known figures?
As a child, I was attracted to Andy Lau as he was very handsome and most importantly, he is very hardworking and he always do his best in his work. I always collect his various photos and keep them nicely in the album. I kept them for 20 over years. LOL! But I threw them all in one of the declutter session. Now I think back, it is my teenage learning experiences, where I wanted to follow someone who has good values and lead his life purposefully.

Now I am learning from Spiritual teacher, Venerable Master Hsing Yun, although he is very old already but I feel that he is very wise and compassion person. His values are very strong and I would like to learn from his wisdom.

3. Which characteristics of your ideal self were most important to you - accomplishments, athletic ability, appearance, money, reputation, creativity, philosophy, religion, or something else?
Confidence, Freedom, Space, Harmony, Courage, Adventure, Teamwork, Accomplishments

4. Have you changed your goals during your life? How is it different now? What experience or major events influenced these changes?
Yes, I have many goals in my life and usually I complete about 80%, those that really matters to me. In the past, my goals are mainly study and career related (Credentials and Accomplishments). Now my goals are my well-being, my emotions and my state of mind matters to me more. I am more focus on my state of being, I feel it is important and I can attract what I want into my life.

5. What do you feel have been the most important achievements of your life? Is there anything you feel so strongly about that you would sacrifice almost everything for it?
The biggest achievement I feel is finding back myself. To know and understand who I really am. When I know who I really am. I can decide what I really want to do in my life. How can I live my life more joyfully, with good intentions and being grateful that my life has been a fulfilling one?

6. Was there a period when your felt your life was meaningless? What did you do about it?
In 2012, I had depression. I felt my life was meaningless. It took me 2 years to recover from my mental illness. I lost my job, but I gained back my life, my family, review what truly matters to me. I realised work is not everything about life. I feel calmer and more peaceful after I had to reset everything that I know about my life. I can choose a new path.

7. Looking back at your life, would you now pursue different goals? What would they be?
I would probably be a teacher if I hasn’t been a designer. Now my dream is half fulfilled as I am a dharma teacher at fo guang shan in Children Dharma Class.  

8. In reviewing the life you have lived, what were some of the appreciations you would give yourself?
I appreciate myself that I didn’t give up myself, especially during the most difficult and challenging times, to a point that I feel that I want to end my life. Situations that are even beyond other people can even help me. I am grateful that I still have that tiny, yet powerful strength to lift me up again.

9. What aspirations do you have now and what goals do you have for your future?
I want to be healthy and build my own wealth. I want to stay connected with myself. When I am connected with myself, I feel peace, joy, calmness in me.

For the health goals, I set for myself 3 easy goals.
1. To eat healthily through plant-based diets. Eat at least 1 meal fruits and vegetables and drink Terahertz healthy water.
2. To exercise regularly, exercise 3-4 times a week, mainly brisk walk or zumba class. I spend time with myself at the park.
3. To sleep early, sleep before 12 midnight like cinderella.

For the wealth goals, I set for myself 3 easy goals.
1. I update my projects revenue every week.
2. I have money dates with myself every week.
3. I followup with my clients closely on their payments.

10. What legacy would you like to create that would be a symbol of how you led your life? What gifts/ experiences of your life would you like to share with others?
Life challenges are real. If we give up easily, what matters to us. We are not truly living our own life. If I were to pass down my own legacy, I hope that I have the ability to share my wisdom and knowledge to other people. How they can be wiser in their life. They are able to life a more meaningful and fulfilling life like that I am having now. It is possible to improve the quality of our life if we look hard enough for the answers within ourselves.

11. If you wrote a book about your life, what would its title be?
If I were to wrote a book about my life, bitter-sweet journey that worth living.

Day 279: GAB 8 Relationships Reflection

In my early days, I don’t have much connection and interaction with my peer, except my 2 best friends. We can chat all day long for several hours, until the phone got heated up. My mom will always say “又再拨电话粥“. Because of the deep conversation with my best friends, till now we still keep in contact.

During my secondary, I was a very shy girl, on top of that my mother was very strict with me and my sister. We are not allowed to date anyone until we are 18. My mother always told us, we need to protect ourselves. However, I got involved with a boy but we didn’t end up well. I was heartbroken. In the end, the 2nd, 3rd and 4th relationships that didn't work out as well. I didn't see any hope with any of the partners, I felt I was not good enough for anyone. Of course now, I have made a closure of my first relationship, I can finally move on already.

During my working life, because I was shy in nature. I have lost many golden opportunities. I realised that I can’t live the life like that anymore. I started to open myself to join toastmasters where I can improve my communication skills. I also realised how close up I was, I have issues with social and communication skills. I have issues expressing myself. End up my landed-on projects I didn’t like or I feel that I have no choice.

As I interact with more people with different walks of life, the people showed me with different perspectives, I don’t have to suffer like what I did in the past. My world has expanded and broaden. At age of 33, it was another turning milestone for me, as I want to find out who I really am.

When I start to love myself, my perspective about myself changed tremendously. By caring for myself genuinely and asking what I truly want and needs, I see the beautiful side of me.

I used to see that the imperfect me a lot, “Rachel, you need to improve this, you need to improve that. You are just not good enough.” Behind every voice, there is an emotion. For now, I see myself as who I am, I am perfectly okay to be me.

Day 278: KDrama - About Time

It is fantasy, romance melodrama in which Choi Michaela (Lee Sung-Kyung), has a special ability to see a person’s Life Spans in years on their body part. She can also see her own Life Span where she only had few months remaining in her life.

She wanted to achieve her all dreams in that small part of her remaining life. Fortunately she meets Lee Do Ha (Lee Sang-Yoon) who has an ability to stop her time-clock. She tried hard to stay closed to him, when she found out that he is the only person who can extend her life span so she can achieve her dream to becoming a Musical theater Actress. They ended up falling in love with each other.

I like Lee Sung-Kyung voice especially she sings for the broadway theatre. Her voice is powerful and lovely.

This was beautifully written:
“You Don’t Realize The Beauty Of It Then.”
“When I Was 20, I Was Afraid Of Becoming 30.”

“I Thought I Was Going To Die When I Became 30”
“I Became 30,”

“And Unsurprisingly, I Was Alive.”
“When I Became 40,”

“I Realized It Was Really Beautiful Then.”
“When I Was 30, I Was Afraid Of Becoming 40.”

“I Thought The World Would End…”
“When I Become 40,”

“I Became 40,”
“And Sadly, I Was The Same.”

“When I Became 50,”
“I Realized It Was Really Beautiful Then.”

“I’d Look Back To 50
And Think The Same When I’m 60.”

“I’d Look Back To When I Was 60
And Think The Same When I’m 70.”

“In Front Of Death,
Every Past Moment Is The Climax Of Your Life.”

“All Ages Are Like Flower.”
“You Just don’t Know How Beautiful Each Age Was At That Time.”
- Do San (About Time)

Do san, Do Ha elder brother died after some days. On his funeral they post his photo with bright smile on his face. His father regrets that he couldn’t tell him that he loves him. And they all hated him because he was child from another mother.

Sometimes we just don't know how blessed we are, to live till today. Some people don't even have a chance to live till ripe old age.

Day 277: GAB 7 Death Reflection

Death can be a difficult topic to talk about. My tear starts to roll down my cheeks when I think about some of my love ones will go away one day. It is a matter who go first. At the same time, I thought this may be a good time to reflect how I feel about death itself. Death is certain and we won't know when we are leaving. Make each moment count.

1. How was death talked about and treated in your family? Did it frighten you?
We hardly talk about death in my family, it seems like no one likes or wants to discuss about it.

2. What did you feel about death as a child? How were family funerals and memorial services held? When did you go to your first funeral? What did you think about it, and how did you react?
The first time I feel about death was when my grandma passed away when I was secondary school. I couldn’t remember which year as it was pretty traumatic for me as I was quite close with my grandma. I used to stay with my grandma, especially school holidays. I remembered there was once I fainted at the shophouse, opposite my grandma house, when I was buying food. During that time, my grandma couldn’t walk well already and yet she had all her strength to run down all the way to save me. I was very touched.

My grandma escaped a few deaths, especially nearer to the last few years of her life. When my grandma passed away at her age of 81. We had a Buddhist funeral for her. I didn’t cry during her funeral as I could still see her body. Some relatives wonder why I didn't cry during the wake, not that I didn't want to but I just couldn't. The deepest memory I had with my grandma, was when her coffin entered the cremation chamber with the strong fire around it. I broke down and weep, I couldn’t accept that she has truly left us. She was the pillar of the entire family. Sometimes I do dream about her.

Our family cat, Fifi, somehow, he knew my grandma was gone, he couldn’t eat and went missing and get into cat fight in the neighbourhood. When we found him, he drowns in the drain already, he was gone after my grandma passed away. This was how deep his relationship with my grandma.

3. Have you ever been responsible for anyone’s death? How did you feel about it then and now? Have you been closely involved with anyone’s death? How have your grieved? How do you feel about it – guilty, resentful, angry, or peaceful? Were some deaths welcomed? What was the most significant death you experienced? How did it change your life?
Before I was born, I had an unborn brother, he couldn’t survive in my mother’s womb. My parents wanted a boy. They were devastated and sad they couldn’t have him. My parents felt that I was responsible, I feel sorry for him but it wasn’t my fault that he couldn’t make it. There was a lot of guilt, shame in it. I slowly accepted this truth. I know that I couldn’t change this fact. But I can choose to respond from this unfortunate event. I release myself from this emotional baggage for 43 years. I had enough of it. I want to be true to myself and I choose to release this pain and sadness.

4. How have your ideas about death evolved? What kind of death would you like to have? Is death a friend for you, or is it to be fought, dreaded, or accepted? 5. If you could talk with someone who has died, what would you say or ask?
Death makes me realised time is precious. Especially, I watched a Korean Drama called, “About Time”. It is about the lady who has the ability to see other people’s life spans and knows that her own time is limited. In reality, we really don’t know how long we can live. The most suffering to live is to live with regrets.

Moment to moment is different in each day. One day, live with joy and gratitude is one day earned. My philosophy about life is embrace each day as if it was my last day. If I could talk with someone who has died, I would say, “The precious life was yesterday, the next best life is today, so detach yourself for the past experiences and move on to a better life.”

Here lies Rachel Won
She was a kind, friendly, warm person.
She loved doodling, arts and photography.
Her advice to you is make the best out of your life with what you have and live life to the fullest. You are enough.

Day 276: Honest with myself

I want to be honest with myself. I haven't been treating myself very well.

Day 275: Each day is a blessing, Carefree Day 17

As today is my rest day, I decided to pick up this book, given by my dear friend. It is a lovely book written by Anna Barnes, how to quieten your mind. It contains many beautiful images and text.

As early as 2008, I was told that I am enough. It was very hard to grasp, especially I always feel that I don't have enough all the time.

Of course, after many years of healing and self acceptance, I begin to feel I am enough, there is abundance around me. I am grateful. I am no longer feeling stuck. I am so much closer to myself now. Feeling more of Rachel now than anybody else. A client just paid me without me delivering the work first. He has so much trust and faith in my work. Of course, I will do my best for him.

Each day is indeed a blessing for me. Thank you.
#FunReading #QuietenYourMind

Day 274: Zen art - Sunflower

I like to draw Sunflowers as they bring brightness and cheerfulness into the space...

Decided to draw for Ruth... She was very happy to receive my card. A little kindness goes a long way

#ZenArt #Sunflowers

Day 273: GAB 6 Life Work and Career Reflection

I spend most of my life working. Work took away almost half of my life. As a child, I have an inclination in arts and drawings. However, my parents and most of my early childhood teachers were unable to see it. My mum is a home maker and my dad is a stock taker, their message to me were I need to work very hard for my money. I really suffered in my early days of my career. On top of that, they think my drawings or my work are ugly. Only one day my design teacher, Wendy Lee, asked me if I would like to explore design career when I graduate. I took her advice and my first job is becoming a web designer.

When I first begin my 1st job, my artworks were indeed awful and amateurish. As I progressed, I start to like design work, sometimes I can spend long hours just to get one piece of artwork complete. After designing graphics and websites for 15 years. My designing skills have become a second nature to me. It may be tough in the beginning, but I manged to overcome my own obstacles.

I developed life goals in 2008, when I want to improve and get better in my career.

There was no negative effect on the jobs that I applied. Because I know what I want at that point of my life. I probably felt I am disadvantage is I was unable to articulate well compare to my peers.

Yes, there are definately experiencing peaks and valleys in my career. I received a few awards in my career. They are a form of recognition. I also have good results in the later part of my studies that I took.

The downfalls are the 2 key courses that I took. When I had 2 depressions in year 2006 (Due to studies) and 2012 (Asiaworks, Personal Development). They break my thinking pattern and challenge me to take new paths. From corporate to self-employed, be more courageous to take an entrepreneurial path.

Yes, I am happy and contented to my life work. I am proud of myself, how far I have come along. However, I still need to strengthen my communication and leadership skills.

I don’t mind to choose this life work again but I am willing to explore people development type of work. I find them interesting as it touches lives and I also can understand myself a lot better.

What have you liked most and least about your life work? I like when I came out with beautiful ideas and concepts and I know I have given my best to the work that I done.

The least is when client once asked me to change 20 times of the same artwork. I feel it was pretty insane. I had a fight with her. But I did apologise to her. Apparently, she later on award me on Excellence service award in 2005. Currently when I meet such client like this, I will politely ask them if they can confirm the content so that we can be more productive in our work.

Based on my working experience, If I would say about work to a young person just starting out in adult life.
I would say
- Be curious and courageous in what you do.
- Don’t regret on things that you think you should do but didn’t do. It is over!
- Be persistence and have the grit that never gives up.
- Keep learning and growing.
- Stay humble even you think you are right.
- Have fun in your life, Life is not all is about work.

Day 272: Theory of Everything

An incredible story about Jane and Stephen Hawking.
"There should be no boundary between human endeavour," said Stephen Hawking
Despite of Stephen's illness, he never stops exploring life. That's what makes him who he is.
Everything is not just a story about the science behind the beginnings of our universe, but the science of love.
How life's challenges that we face everyday, shape who we are and what we achieve. I personally feel that hope goes a long way. Where there's life, there's hope.


I say YES to my life!
#TheTheoryofEverything #StephenHawking