Day 221: Past Relationships

I was quite disturbed by this video. Probably is because I saw how the ex was so attached to the ex-bf and trying to ruin another relationship. Not that I was like that. But I remembered how I refused to release the toxic relationship, probably it was 6 years of relationship that I didn't want to let go. I wasn't happy and yet I didn't want to admit and let go.

This video helped me to think about my past romance, I wasn't happy about them. Memories that I didn't want to face the hurt and the pain. Yet, I continue to let these sad memories to hurt me. Because I seek harmony and longing for love. I hope that if I self scarifice, I will be able to get their love. Unfortunately, love doesn't work this way. After all the hurt, I wasn't able to let go fully. Until recent years, after almost 10 years of self healing, I am willing to face the truth.

As I reflected my past relationships, I realised some of them are toxic and I still hold on to them. Because most of the time, I was pemessive. I didn't draw healthy boundaries for myself. I stopped dating for awhile trying to figure out what truly went wrong. I allow myself to feel my own emotions. There is no rules on how much time I need to heal myself. Everyone is different.

I figured it out now. I wasn't love, protected and seen by parents as a child. They couldn't love me emotionally. When I seek love from outside, it is the same experiences, I attract people who are unable to love me, they used me, treat me like an object. I wasn't protected by them too.

Of course, as I am getting a lot healthier, I can love, protect and truly care for myself. It comes a long, long way. I will learn how to draw healthy boundary for myself.

Any partner who's right for you will add to your life, not fill a void.