Day 222: Driving force

I took 2 Harrison Assessments（HA）in 2017 and 2019 and yesterday was a good insight to know that I was most of the time permissive and when someone stepped on my toes or I became stressed, I becam harsh to myself and others.

Another realisation is that as I was permissive, I don't have my own voice, in the end, I let others decide for me. Be it good or bad. Highly likely as a child, I wasn't given a chance to speak up for myself. I was always put down by my mum or other higher authority, thus I felt that even I speak out what I feel like saying it is of no use.
说了也没用，干脆不说了.

As a mirror, people do not know what I want. As I didn't respond appropriately, they also feel that they can't understand what I truly want. Hence, it is quite easy to create misunderstanding and conflict.

Now I can understand why I want to write about my thoughts and feelings, because that is a way to express myself with the outside world. I want to have harmony, in the end I felt that I need to self sacrifice, in order to create that peace and harmony. That is a wrong perspective.

I used to think self sacrifice and empathy are the same but they are 2 different things. Self sacrifice is meeting the needs of others; but their own needs are not getting met, whereas empathy is the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within their frame of reference, that is, the capacity to place oneself in another's position. We do not need to put ourselves as a disadvantage.

I need to find a way to balance myself by having warmth and empathy with myself and at the same time set healthy boundaries for myself. By setting healthy boundaries for myself so that I can protect myself away from harshness and self sacrifice.