Day 210: Re-open Asiaworks wounds

Yesterday, I had a heart to heart talk with Evelyn Lim, who deals with emotional healing. I told her that I am very grateful to meet her in Mar 2012. It seems like yesterday. She saw me how much I have shifted in my life. She told me that psychiatrists or counsellors can never do so much to heal a person.

Somehow I recalled I had depression in 2011, 10 years ago. It took me about 2 years to get back to normal state. In fact, as I am willing to face my own childhood traumas, The wound of Asiaworks (AW) is unable to hurt me anymore. I can recalled clearly what has happened during AW. After sharing my AW training experiences, Evelyn said that it is pretty normal for trainers to use different tools and strategies to open up the participants wounds so that they can "heal".

Yah right, AW training open up the childhood traumas but they didn't know how to heal them. Instead of me getting healed, I got retraumatised. In fact, I went back to a space that no one can reach out to me. Because I need to live my life as per normal. I had to pretend that I have "healed" and continue to live unfulfiled life.

Fortunately, I met Evelyn in 2012 (she deals with emotional healing) and Christine Wong in 2018 (she deals with childhood traumas). I was afraid to go through the emotional pains especially I had depression previously. Somehow these 2 women made me teared unconsciously, which I feel that they may have some answers that I need. I plucked my courage and faith to go with them. I decided to open my heart again to allow myself to be supported and be healed.

It wasn't easy in the beginning but it became easier as I went along. I understood what has truly happened to me in the past. The immerse amount of sadness, pain, disappointment, abandonment and sorrow that I had to go through, from birth till now. Because I know the truth now, I am able to heal myself. To acknowledge the young part of me, was badly hurt. I can empathise myself a lot more. I choose to love, protect and care for myself now.

Franz Ruppert shared that when we are suppressing our negative emotions, we are also suppressing our positive emotions. All emotions can co exist so that we can respond appropriately. To resolve the emotional issues, I allow myself to feel the pain. Because I cried a lot as I feel my own pain, I can smile, laugh and feel the joy truly from my heart now.

The truth truly hurts but it also sets me free. I can leave my past behind now.

Learning and understand myself is never ending. In fact I seek wisdom in my learnings. I'm sure I have learnt much about myself in this AW basic and advanced training. Don't let these pains go into waste.

I always, always remember beauty comes from inner beauty. Yes, I do agree our social image is important in some extent but what really important is my mindset, my beliefs, my values behind the beautiful face :) Educate myself for my personal breakthroughs and chanllenges and I will become the confident person that I always wanted to be!
Jia you and I love you,
Rachel